It’s a great pleasure of mine to present to you the Journeys of a New Mommy with entries from the author of Memoirs of a Dreamer and new/ sleep deprived mother, Ferrell Fellows. Join Ferrell in the peaks and valleys that is motherhood. Each entry will detail lessons learned as woman, mother, and wife. This is sure to be a fun ride. Buckle up!
The idea of motherhood is an ambivalent notion. One surrounded in so much uncertainty that a woman can read every book on the subject matter and never truly comprehend what it means. I remember seeing the two blue lines on my pregnancy test and the reality of motherhood still evaded me. It didn’t come after the weeks and weeks of nauseated fatigue nor did it come with the endless discomforts of tingling legs, itchy palms, back pain, hip pain, and exploding rib pain. I gave up my favorite cocktail for cold glasses of milk and popped vitamins round the clock on behalf of my unborn child. I decorated the room, fitted sheets to the crib as I rubbed my ever-growing abdomen that inhibited sleep and left me awake with nothing to do but think. Even then, I still couldn’t imagine it. Exasperated, I clenched through 36 hours of contractions while all of my willpower an emotion centered on evicting the fetus that had taken over my body for the last nine months and ending the excruciating waves of pain. Motherhood didn’t become real until the sixth of February at 3:07pm – the moment they laid Kingson on my chest, heart to heart, and I felt his tiny palm wrapped around my finger and saw his eyes looking up at mine. I had created something and it was now here on this earth, living and breathing, and for this very moment I knew that I was created.
Motherhood is not an easy job. It’s only been 12 days and my whole world has been turned upside down. My life is his life. Everything he needs takes precedence over my needs. The tiniest grunt arouses my complete attention. I’m at his beck and call, his willing servant, because my only job is to make him happy and content and at peace in this world. People warned me of the sleepless nights that every new parent faces and I wish that I had listened. Between the last weeks of pregnancy, the days of labor, the revolving door of visitors, diaper changes, and feedings I literally went without sleep the first week of my son’s life. They didn’t warn me that I would also go without bath and toothbrush, and that the routine of my life based upon 28 years of practice would be completely rearranged by someone who hadn’t even been in my life for 28 days. The dynamic in my household is changing as I used to be the one laying in my husband’s arms at night, now I’m not the only object of his affection. We have to relearn how to sleep and eat and live together all while raising this beautiful person we made together. I pray for grace as I learn and make mistakes because I feel the total responsibility of Kingson’s life in my hands. I am his mother.
It’s not something that you can prepare for completely, but surprisingly you’re ready to be a mom at the exact moment you become one. As soon as my son came into the world I knew that I had everything I needed to care for him, instinctually my maternal love came out and I just knew how to love him the way he needed. As a new mother you will have moments of doubt, wondering if he is breathing as he sleeps silently in his crib… or if he’s eating enough to be healthy. But deep down inside you just know that everything is okay. As long as he’s in your arms, he’s protected. I’m at the beginning of this journey, but it is truly a journey of love. I’ve never known anyone to love me so freely and so completely and I’ve never given love so deeply as I have now.
